Know Thy Enemy: Social Security January 22, 2005
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I may still be sick, but it's my day-off, dammit, and I want to enjoy it by getting an oil change for my car. That didn't stop me from tasking my crack research team from finding out all they can about Social Security.

FUN FACTS ABOUT SOCIAL SECURITY

* FDR created Social Security in an attempt to destroy America. After Pearl Harbor, though, he found it was more popular to try and save America.

* FDR celebrated creating Social Security by having a smoke.

* He did not celebrate it by having a brisk jog.

* If he did jog, he would have been easily winded from the smoke.

* Social Security is founded on the principle, that, because some people won't save for retirement, all must be punished.

* The deduction from each paycheck for Social Security is listed as FICA or Med or some such crap. The reason they don't call the deduction "Money we're stealing for the so-called Social Security" is because that would be too long.

* That's the same reason they don't call the deduction "black hole from whence you'll never ever see your money again."

* If instead of the government taking the money you were allowed to take it and shove it up your ass, you'd get a better return on the money and not be quite as pissed off.

* I'm all faklempt. Social Security is neither social nor secure. Talk amongst yourselves.

* If you refuse to give the government your money and invest it for your own retirement, the government will send police to your home to shoot you... but it's for your own good.

* Social Security is often called the third rail of politics because to mention reforming it will cause the Democrats to lie that Republicans want to throw old people out on the street. Republicans really do want to throw old people out on the street, but the Democrats don't know that so they are lying.

* Old people are a solid voting block because they have absolutely nothing better to do. Hell, voting is the highlight of their year. Maybe if you just visited you parents or grandparents more at the retirement home, they wouldn't be so quick to vote to steal your money.

* Bush wants to make private accounts where some of your money would be privately invested and thus ensure you get it (if you live long enough). Democrats are against this because they haven't figured out a way to say "private accounts" such that it will scare old people.

* Right now they're putting a strong emphasis on the second syllable of "private," but it's still not that scary.

* In a fight between Social Security and Aquaman, Aquaman would die of a jellyfish sting way before he is old enough to receive payments.

* If you think Social Security is sneaking up behind you, quickly turn around and empty your gun in its direction and then throw your gun at it. It's going to steal all your money!

* If you are currently collecting Social Security, make sure the payment is correct, and, if not, go to the Social Security office and complain until you get every last red cent. It's not like you have anything better to do that make sure you steal all my money, you old geezer!

* IMAO would like to retract that last bullet point. We appreciate every old geezer who reads us.

Posted by Frank J.

"This [audit] was made extremely difficult because [IRS] existing systems were not designed to provide ... reliable financial information ... on their operations." -- Comptroller Bowsher, Government Accounting Office, on the first-ever audit of the IRS in 1993.

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